AFFLICTION
There will always be a desire for that thing we’ve depended on for so long. It used to be something we did as an innocent escape until feelings of unfulfillment triggered sorrow and pain that can feel so crippling; that innocent escape becomes all we keep searching for. We go on until we come to grips with the painful knowledge that we no longer have any control over the constant need to feed this hunger. Some continue to be complacent until it begins to ravage their life. Only in the wake of self destruction do we feel forced to accept that we can no longer savor its taste. We begin to understand that this thing has so much of a hold over us its unbearable. The longing to have it seems so bittersweet, for we know it's so wrong, and still feel it's entire hold. The constant yearning will always be present and it will never fully dissipate, but we can learn to fight against it. The sudden thirst can reveal itself at any time but we must not fear it for we can learn to take control.
The lust that has developed can be so consuming that our mouth begins to water at the very thought of it. We try to convince ourselves that all we need is one last taste, and that feeling can be so intense. The desperation is so extreme that we are prepared to sell our soul just to have a taste. Then in that moment our mind realizes it won’t be enough and that it never will be which brings hopelessness and despair. This revelation will bring us to hell on our knees with white knuckles ready to pound the pavement until we see blood. We begin to hate ourselves because we don’t know how to make it stop but we know if we don’t try we will not survive its dark spell.
The comfort we once held onto is shattered when this true awakening finally sets in. There is an uncomfortable acceptance that we no longer have control over its destructive power over us. This admission brings us so much fear for we don’t know how to handle life without escaping. This fear can be paralyzing and heart breaking that it can feel as if we’ve lost a close friend or loved one. This feeling of loss is then followed by the dread that we are now going to have to feel our feelings and this sends us into sobbing anguish. We are in complete shambles looking at the ruins of our life.
When we’ve finally accepted this long denied truth, we begin to think and question everything. This can lead to feelings of resentment and envy when we allow ourselves to wonder how others can live their lives not suffering with this malady. We start to wonder in silence and ask ourselves “Why am I afflicted with this?” “Why can’t I just have what I want like everyone else?” “Why me?” “Why not them?” This anger begins to build like an ember that slowly grows to eventually engulf us as it burns with anger, despair and hatred and then we suddenly find ourselves right back to where we started. We become so consumed with our feelings and want to blame someone else for all our suffering. We know with the pain in our heart, tears in our eyes and the tremble of our body that we can’t live this way anymore. What stops us from moving forward is fear. We continue to blame others for our pain rather than looking at ourselves to see what has led us to this place in our life.
So the true question is not why but how did we get here? There is a rebirth to all the madness around us. The search to know where it all started is necessary for our recovery and survival. I know this won’t change the longing but at least we will have a better understanding of how this had so much control over our peace of mind, our health and our sanity. We can’t allow this to have any more power over us. The willingness to fight is inside each of us and that will has to become strong. It is time to prepare for the fight of our lives for this dark abyss has caused so many to become unhinged or lose their lives if we allow the darkness consume us. We need to be ready for this duel. We will learn to be more cunning than the enemy that lives inside of us. We will learn to think, feel and understand what can be our trigger, because knowledge is powerful and who can know us better than ourselves. The moment we discover when this entity was given life, the better prepared we will be when we feel this dark cloud approaching. It is in the understanding of what brings the darkness, this revulsion that we learn to go to the safety of our inner light.
This disease comes without any warning. It’s like playing a game of Russian roulette with all the feelings of intensity and excitement that play in. Everyone is welcome to participate but not everyone survives. It is like the feeling of being in love with someone who has no capacity to return the affection. This ailment only continues to exist because we keep feeding it, giving it power to consume us. Its only purpose is to keep us craving what we hunger for. It has no feelings, no attachments, no loyalty or acknowledgement of who we are. Its only existence is to make us feel numb but when it wears off, we are still there, unchanged. We’ve become enchanted by it like an intense aroma that is so intoxicating and powerful that we will do anything to have its essence fill our lungs. This illness continues to keep us hooked. Every time we succumb to its deceiving fury, we are left with false feelings that we are invincible as it kills us a little more each day.
For the individuals who don’t understand this insanity, you are blessed. This disturbance is real to those trapped in its web. For those who understand this affliction and suffer so deeply from this….I will be here when you are ready to join me in this real struggle. Say no to its silent voice calling you with its sweet whisper and enticing you with your favorite melody. This is a corruption that lives in the mind and has the power to destroys us from the inside. In the end, if you haven't perished from its colorful poison then you will wish for it. You know deep down inside that nothing will ever satisfy this unhealthy desire which have cost so many their lives. We must help continue to fight against its seductive power by finding out how it eluded us and infiltrated our lives. This disease has buried it roots inside of us and has attached itself to us like a parasite. There are so many of us who suffer but now is the time to band together and be brave enough to stand our ground. We can only take this internal struggle one day at a time but that is our choice. We must resist the temptations to be free of its grasp on us and in time we will learn to live by our own merits. The time for change is now. It is in our willingness that will give us the strength to push forward.
If you are willing and ready to start your healing journey, then please join me on the road to recovery. If you are in recovery and need continued support, I am here as guide. As they say...there is safety in numbers and together we can and will recover. We still have so much more discover.
Written by
Jackie O.