Failure Is When You Don't Try

I've experienced so much in my life starting at an early age. I've felt betrayal, fear, sadness, depression, loneliness, disappointment, frustration, anger, resentfulness, guilt, and shame, among so many other painful emotions. I wasn't equipped to understand all the emotions I was feeling so I found ways to avoid them. One of my therapists diagnosed me with biological depression from the experiences in my life that left wounds and for so long I thought I was damaged goods. So, by avoiding my hurt feelings, I made things worse when I tried to find ways to escape my head. As a result, I allowed the consequences of my action to define me since I didn't know any better. This led to the continued cycle of drinking excessively, eating until I made myself sick, or taking prescription narcotics, but not necessarily at once or in that order. I would often think about who would care if I died and who would show up at my funeral. Over time, these unhealthy patterns of behavior created an uncontrollable monster inside me that I loathed and showed up when I was feeling my absolute worst. Why? I was hurting from all the pain I felt. I had no sense of self and didn't know who I was. I believed that I was the bad things I did when the monster showed up, which made me feel worthless, weak, and no good the next day. I hurt all the people who loved me including my son. I'm so grateful those days are behind me.

In recovery, I realized I wasn't the only one who felt this way about herself. People who suffer from addictions don't understand or know who they are and become blinded by guilt and shame from the consequences of their actions while on a binge. They feel helpless and hopeless especially when they've alienated themselves from everyone in their life and are left alone. Sometimes it takes losing everyone we love or ending up in jail to wake us up, but even then, it doesn't guarantee we won't relapse if the reason we decide to change is for someone else and not for ourselves. I recently attended an in-person meeting, since COVID, and the faces and stories looked and sounded similar. Every single person there had lost complete control over their life from addiction. You could see the sadness and fear in their eyes that one day they might start up again. I have so much respect and compassion for these people who found the courage to change. It isn't easy and takes a lot of dedication to come out on the other side. The longer we wait the harder it will be. Think about that.

I've been in recovery for almost 5 years now and though I haven't picked up a drink, taken a pill, or drowned myself in food, it doesn't mean I still don't feel hurt, disappointed, or sad at times, I'm human after all. However, now I deal with my feelings differently than in the past. I allow myself to sit with a feeling for a bit and then ask myself why I feel this way (find the root). Yes, I do talk to myself. This is how I work through my feelings. While in recovery, I decided to educate myself beyond the twelve-step program. I learned that the hurt feelings that arise inside of us aren't necessarily a result of a recent life experience but a trigger from the past. The truth is if we experience being hurt and we continuously avoid feeling that pain, layers form over time as we encounter more lows from our life experiences. So when I understand the root cause of my feelings, I talk to the little girl inside me who is still hurt and let her know I'm ok now and that it's ok to let that old feeling go. We can unconsciously hold onto our pain so hard it leads to our continued suffering and unhappiness, which is why there are so many people who suffer from addiction in the world.

Let me be very clear by saying that being in recovery doesn't mean the hurt goes away, we are human. I just learned to deal with it in a healthy manner. The only way this was possible for me was from all the hard work and commitment I made to myself to be free of the dependencies I once had. So anytime I feel low, I think back on how far I've come and it gets easier to come out of it. I finally got in the driver's seat and took control of my life. It's amazing the lies we tell ourselves or the excuses we find when we become afraid to try when we believe we will fail. It is fear that holds us back from doing anything and it is that fear that is driving the wheel. So ask yourself, what version of you do you want to be driving your wheel? Sign up for the Advocacy Program. It is confidential and convenient and I will work one of one to help you get through this with some of the proven methods I've used on myself to heal quickly, fully, and truly. Use coupon code SURVIVOR2023 for a free session to talk about your needs. I am ready to listen.

"Don't fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today!" - Unknown

"Fear of failure becomes fear of success for those who never try anything new." - Dr. Wayne Dwyer

"You never fail until you stop trying." - Albert Einstein

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Please free to email me at jackie@theaddictinme.com if you have any questions about the Advocacy Program or would like to set up a session to get started on your healing journey. Suffering is not supposed to be a part of life. We are here to learn, grow and evolve so we can live a happy, healthy, and productive life. We can do so much more than we could possibly imagine when we let go of the fear that has held us back.