Goodbye Daddy

As my father's two-year anniversary was approaching, I started to reflect on the unbelievable roller coaster ride our family was on when we lost one the greatest thing about it, our father. My dear father passed away on April 9, 2020, from Covid-19. It wasn't until 113 days later we were able to lay his ashes to rest. The shock, pain, and horror that ensued shortly after will never be forgotten. Accepting this tragic loss was only compounded when we had to wait week after week to hear there was enough of a decline in the number of infected persons in NJ so preparations for a proper service could be made. Since I live in Florida, I was on standby and needed to ready to start making travel arrangements to make the journey home when I got the green light. As eager as I was to see my mother and siblings to mourn this loss together, it was also painful to know how real it would become when that time came. We needed closure which could only happen by saying goodbye to our daddy. There was nothing anyone could say to me to ease the grief of losing someone I love so dearly. The only comfort I had were the memories with him that brought us so much joy. My father was a simple man who lived for his family.

His body was cremated shortly after his passing as a precaution against the virus. It was hard to think he used to be a person of flesh and blood. We are Catholic and cremation isn't part of our practice. It's unreal to think he was a living breathing person who use to tell us silly jokes to make us all laugh. Our last Christmas together was in 2019. I started to think about what his last memories of me were when he was alive and if he was proud of me. He was happy when I finally stopped drinking. When I moved to Florida I would call home as often as I could and I always felt I had to check in with him to see how his health was after everything he had gone through. He wasn't a healthy man but he was strong. When he learned he had cancer he wasn't surprised since he lost the majority of his family to this disease. He shared with us he wasn't afraid of death and was ready to accept his fate until he saw how upset we were at the thought. He saw how much we needed him which gave him the strength to fight. He also knew our mother still needed him and he did what he had to for her. So for an entire year, my parents would get on the bus weekly and head into the city (NYC) so he could receive his treatments of radiotherapy and chemo. By the grace of God, the treatments worked and he was cancer-free for a couple of years. He was then required to get routine checkups and tests every six months to be certain he was still in the clear. We thought the worse was behind us and felt confident our parents would live the rest of their lives peacefully. I learned from this experience to never take life for granted.

It has been such a long and exhausting journey living in this new reality without seeing his smiling face. I remember the incredible man he was but nothing could compare to the amazing father he was. We may not have been born into a privileged life but we had the privilege of having such a noble, kind, and loving father. We can't choose our parents but we must have been good people in a past life to have him as a parent. It took me losing my father to see all this. He always knew how to say the right thing to break the silence or ease the discomfort that was in the air. A little part of me died with him but I know we will be together again someday. My father never yelled at me or made me feel bad about myself, even when he saw how out of control my behavior had gotten. He would rather make jokes about it after knowing I received a lengthy lecture from my mother. He knew before I did that he couldn't ask me to stop since he understood it had to come from me. I can't imagine what he went through after losing my little brother to his addictions but I know they are together again watching over us. I tried his patience on so many occasions. He tried to teach me how to drive and saw how nervous and anxious I was so he knew it would better that I get my lessons from a reputable driving school after I drove my brother's car into a cement staircase on our last lesson. He never scolded me when I clipped his side-view mirror when I got too close to a parked car. He understood how sensitive I was and never showed any anger toward me. He encouraged us and let our mother be the disciplinary.

It is truly remarkable how much he influenced our life. He let us be who we needed to be even when I didn't who I was. He would offer subtle advice so you didn't even realize what he was doing. Somehow he made you think you came up with the idea on your own when he used examples or scenarios from life experiences. He was very sarcastic, funny, but also stern, confident, and strong when we needed him. I will miss you forever daddy. The biggest regret I have is not hugging you tightly when I last saw you. There was this silly joke he always told me during our phone conversations that I will never forget. My mother was so lost without you daddy but she is doing better and knows you are with her. She knows she has all of us and we are doing our best to cheer her up by reminding her of your goofy ways. I know you are with us every day and we will see each other again on the other side.

Love you forever, your daughter Jackie O.