Why do we hate ourselves so much?

If we are running on a program of hate, we become accustomed to putting ourselves down, especially when things don't go well. We can judge others and even become competitive when we let our ego take reign. We can feel sorry for ourselves and blame others for our current life path. If we feel angry or bitter, we tend to lash out, especially when we feel defensive. Unfortunately, lashing out can even cause physically harm to ourselves and others. Does this resonate? This behavior can be considered a form of acting out, which can start at an early age. I remember as a child, smacking myself when I was angry for a mistake I made. One time I was sitting on the floor upset with myself while holding a pencil in my hand. In a fit of anger, I slammed my fists really hard on my legs, accidentally stabbed my lower calf with the tip of the pencil I was holding. It left a led colored scar I still have today. We all have defense mechanism that can develop during our first serious encounter with an unexpected obstacle. I was afraid of riding a bike. I remember falling really hard and then accidentally being run over by another rider. I didn't get on a bike until decades later. Accidents happen, but as a child I believed the bike was dangerous and fear kept me from learning to ride one. The things that impact our lives will either help us grow or keep us stuck. Our life experiences can surely derail us from our destiny. If we keep living in fear we will always feel stuck.

So when we are having a crisis, how do we cope? Do we reach for the remote control to watch something mindless on TV? Do we pickup the phone and call a friend or close family member? Do we run to the liquor store or bar for a drink? Do we raid the refrigerator to stuff our feelings? Do we search the medicine cabinet or nightstand to find that special feel good drug? Do we watch porn? Do we go shopping? If we over indulge in a coping habit repeatedly, it can lead to an addiction. We need balance, too much of something can be dangerous. It can start off with the occasionally use until it becomes a uncontrollable need to take the edge off. Turning 21 gave me the license to drink. I started drinking socially and loved how confident it made me feel. It hid all my fears and insecurities, or so I thought. I felt I could handle anything and the addiction started.

I remember how unhappy I was. I would sit alone in the dark in my bedroom and stare at the walls and anguish over things I could not control. I was so used to feeling miserable more often than not, and sometimes I didn't know where these feelings were coming from. I allowed my pain to become part of who I was and so I lived like this for the majority of my adult life. I had seen therapists, psychologists and a psychiatrist who only wanted to prescribe me pills, which I took. I didn't care about mixing, I was reckless.

So I started popping pills around the same time I started drinking heavily. I overdosed on prescription medicine and woke up in the hospital with chalk coming out of everywhere. I then try to act like nothing happened the next day. I had more than one intervention and each time I felt attacked, enraged and offended. I still didn't think I had a problem, but each time I gave in, it just brought me further down the rabbit hole. I eventually got to the point that drinking excessively only made me pass out. I felt an empty void inside of me that needed to be filled by any means. I felt like an empty shell. As a child, I remember overeating. This defense mechanism caused me to gain so much weight it added to my depression. People would constantly say I had a beautiful face but I only heard you are fat. I tried to appear normal on the outside but I lived in my own private hell.

I felt I lived in dark and lonely world, but even in this world I didn't feel like I belonged. I always felt out of place, like I was an outcast and different from everyone. I did whatever I could do to try and blend in, but no matter what I tried, I felt I always stuck out like a sore thumb. I didn't like who I thought I was, but then again I didn't know who I was. At some point I gave up trying and started to do what I wanted to do, as long as it temporarily took away the broken feeling I had. At that time, I would have rather felt nothing, than continue to feel I out of place. I didn't realize I was only masking my pain, but I honestly don't think that would've mattered to me back then. I wasn't ready. There were times I would pretend I was fine, so I'd be left alone, even though I was suffering on the inside.

Even losing my brother to his alcohol addiction, didn't make me look at myself. Thinking back, it was like my brother Omar and I were living parallel lives but I survived. He was way ahead of me but I wasn't that far behind. I don't think I stopped drinking even for an instant. I wasn't ready to admit my problem. I found myself comparing my alcohol consumption to his so I could justify all of my binges. I wasn't ready to see how bad I had gotten. I spent my whole life blaming others for my issues, and never bothered to look within. We all have deep cuts from the ordeals we've had to endure. The mistakes we made in our life don't define us, but we think they do when we feel hurt. I've learned there is always another way out of the dark. Let me tell you, you are not alone.

Remember no matter what we do, we will never be perfect but that is ok. We are all different and unique and we need to embrace our differences. I've found within every mistake there is a valuable lesson to be found. When we can look at the past without being emotionally connected to it we've won. When we are able to see things and admit the role we've played in our mistakes we become more grounded and happy. However, even though I finally stopped drinking, I still felt like there was something missing. I wouldn't start to see that until after loosing my dad two years into my sobriety.

I am sharing some of personal life experiences and outlook to let you know it is never too late to change. It is never to late to find who you are meant to be. You just need courage and a little bit of trust in yourself.

"When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize things only spring from yourself, you will learn both joy and peace". - Dalai Lama

---

Please feel free to email me at jackie@theaddictinme.com if you would like to setup a free consultation to help you get started on your healing journey. Suffering is not supposed to be a part of life. We are here to learn grow and evolve so we can live a happy, healthy and productive life. We can do so much more than you could imagine. Let me show you how.